Dark Spots

A leader from the LDS faith said something about faith being a step in the dark. This step an essential ingredient for cultivating your faith A blind step certainly always has an inherit risk. (I am sure we have all stumbled up or down the stairs because we were confident of that extra step.) Of course, if we don’t follow that impression, our conscience, or the beckoning Christ on the water then our faith won’t develop and we never find out why we were supposed to take the step. Sometime to see your blessings you need to step forward. Stepping forward in the dark teaches us to trust our invitations to move forward.
Currently the step forward is not my most difficult struggle. It is the view behind me. I took that step forward with faith; rather I took those steps forward. Steps I took for an entire summer with spiritual confidence. The problem: I don’t know why I took them. I look behind me and it’s darkness. Sometimes we don’t receive an explanation, even further sometimes we don’t receive a confirmation and that can be just as hard as not receiving an assurance. Accepting that the Lord will explain, confirm and assure in his own time all are part of developing our faith in him.
In the mean time, the Savior counsels us to “ let our eye be single to his glory” and his light. Trust the darkness is there for a reason, but don’t focus on it. If we focus on it then our entire body will be filled with darkness. When an Angel asked Nephi if he knew the meaning of something he didn’t. He responded “I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.” Nephi had dark spots he just didn’t focus on them. He instead focused on the love of God or light. The love of God is not the only light we can focus on, although, it may encompass all of it. Whatever our light is and however much we have we need focus on it. My Thesis: Sometimes God expects us to accept our dark spots without focusing on them, instead we should focus on the light we do have.

A lesson from Malcolm

Malcolm X said that he received a better education in prison than any man could have received in any university. He devoured book after book in prison. That is because people in prison have a lot of spare time. I wish I took more time to read but my desire to hang out always takes precedence. Sometimes my desire to facebook takes precedence. I think I need to fix this. It’s finals and really what I ought to do is study…
Love,
Ben

Am I Here?

A fellow student pointed out how frequently I look at the clock in class. I don't know why it is so hard for me to just exist without trying to orient myself and decide where I am. In relationships sometimes I get stuck in a DTR (Define the Relationship) cycle. I wonder if these two are related.
Currently I am feeling confused about my feelings. I wonder if that means my thoughts in this blog will be confusing.
I finished the Book of Mormon again. I love that book. I have read it enough times though that sometimes my mind wanders when I read it. I am amazed each time I pay close attention to the words because I end up learning so much stuff.
My favorite poetry line lately has been. "What's next is courage.": That's Life- Peter Gizzy. That's what I need. I think sorrow is a natural part of life, but I am beginning to realize that sometime I prolong it because I am afraid to move forward. Afraid to talk to the strangers at the cross walk, afraid to start my English paper, afraid to let someone break my heart, and afraid to break someoneelse's heart.
Cheers,
Ben

Responsibility to Serve

I was just reading Moroni’s epistle to Pahoran this morning and it impressed me in a new way. I have always been impressed by Pahoran response to unwarranted censure, but I never really appreciated the doctrine in Moroni’s epistle before. These two verses impressed me the most:

Alma 60

11 Behold, could ye suppose that ye could sit upon your thrones, and because of the exceeding goodness of God ye could do nothing and he would deliver you? Behold, if ye have supposed this ye have supposed in vain.

19 Or is it that ye have neglected us because ye are in the heart of our country and ye are surrounded by security, that ye do not cause food to be sent unto us, and also men to strengthen our armies?

Moroni condemns apathy in a time of war. My own paraphrase considering the context would read; we are commanded support our armies when they are in need. I feel like this applies to more than just war. I believe we are responsible to our church, our communities, even the entire world. God has commanded us to succor those in distress. This may be emotional, spiritual, or physical. Doing nothing will condemn us. I don’t want to overwhelm anyone, but these verses are pertinent to my circumstance. I am “surrounded by security” and living in prosperity compared with much of the world. God has blessed me with this ease so I can bless my neighbor. Who is my neighbor? Christ answered that in the parable of the Good Samaritan. I would like answer the question in the form a of David Wilcox song entitled “No Far Away.” He explains a sort of world conciseness I would like to get to.

There's no far away, There is no more far away,
so these dreams of the wild west will lead us astray
there is no more far away,

when the war had gone on too long
and the crowd said the troops should come home, home
this blue planet turning alone
the troops had never been gone

when the missles are waiting to fly
and rip through the innocent sky
if we swing out our six guns like the sherrif on high
it's not just the bad guys who die

and these changes can not be denied
we live close to the worlds other side
that can save us or kill us, it's time to decide
but the past is no safe place to hide

for resentment doesn't die with the dead,
despite what the general said
this oil slick of blood, across the ocean will spread
and just poison our own well instead

There's no far away, There is no more far away,
so these dreams of the wild west will lead us astray
there is no more far away,

The idea in this song is idealistic. But, follow the advice of John Lennon and just imagine it with me for a minute. What it would be like to live in a world where everyone was your neighbor. A lot of people I know already believe this idea. I wish I could internalize it more. I wish cared as much for the stranger walking down the street, the starving child in Africa or even the brainwashed Taliban member as much as I cared for my loved ones. Loving the Taliban member doesn’t mean I would lose my moral compass. I would still oppose wickedness, but my attitude would be different. I would value him like I would a murderous brother. Maybe I don’t have the emotional fortitude for that. I think about the last Moroni and how he loved the Nephites even though he witnessed them doing horrific things. He didn’t support them in their wickedness but he did try to help them by preaching to them.
I need to return to Captain Moroni and Pahoran. Moroni doesn’t command Paharon to help the Lamanites. He does command him to support the righteous. There are so many people around us trying to do the right thing but that are being beaten down. If we do nothing to help those people because we are at ease then we condemn ourselves. They are our responsibility.

Bear with me...

So I have been reading a book called The Anatomy of Peace lately that exposed me to uncomfortable self-realization. Those are always bitter sweet, bitter because uncomfortable self-realizations often are generated by undesired qualities, sweet because they give me the opportunity to improve. Today's uncomfortable self-realizations have to do with how I justify my action or inaction. According to this book there are four ways. I want to list all four but I I will spend the most time on the one I struggle with. If you want to understand the others better than you should read the book. The four ways are: The Better Than, I Deserve, Need to Be Seen As, and Worse Than.
To summarize:
Better Than justification keeps you from helping others because you consider them less. The example given in the book is if you drop something on floor but don't pick it up because you assume someone else can. This assumption contains within it the assumption that you are better than whoever you think will pick it up.
The I Deserve justification keeps you from helping someone because you may think they have mistreated you.
The Worse Than justification keeps you from helping someone because you think that your infirmities, or problems keep you from doing so.
The Need to Be Seen Well keeps you from helping others because you are afraid of how it will make you look. This could apply to a popular person that is afraid to help an outcast because he doesn't want to be seen as an outcast. This is my problem, but it doesn't occur to me in that way. The way I want to be seen is helpful, kind, patient and loving. So this weakness effects me in a different way. It is this weakness that keeps me from speaking up when I have been hurt. Lets say someone says something that I find offensive. I want to be seen as kind and not judgmental of them so I keep my mouth shut. I am afraid they will think less of me. If I was really kind I would try to help them and communicate why I thought it was wrong. Instead I just swallow it. As a result I maintain my opinion that I need to not interfere. I think that people are always judging my words and as threatening me. I can see especially how this has hurt me in close relationships. Most often because I don't want to come off as needy. I don't want to communicate when I feel like have been hurt. As a result I end up being more needy because I need others to justify my desire to have my needs fulfilled. I become hyper-sensitive, that if I bring up a need it will be judged wrongly and I will be viewed as a needy person. That creates a need for someone to tell me that I am not being needy. I don't know the entire solution yet other than to understand that we are all imperfect and and my needs don't make me any less perfect than someone else. Yes my needs may make me imperfect but not enough to not help someone. Actually that would an example of the last Worse Than justification. I really don't know all the answers, but sometimes it is nice to see your weaknesses. Turns out I have a lot to work on. Turns out a lot problems I have faced in relationships have been my own undoing. Thanks for being patient.

This Morning.

I don't know what is about me that makes me want to spontaneously climb up Ensign Peak and read "Song of Myself" by Walt Whitman at six thirty in the morning to the sun rising BUT... I think I like that part of myself. =)

Duty vs. Desire

So I have been thinking a lot about communication in a relationship. Should we communicate emotional, physical and spiritual needs in a relationship? Yes. The reason being sometimes our needs are not validated simply because we do not communicate them. I am beginning to realize however that this maybe an idealist statement. Often it is more complicated than that. A need that isn’t being met may instead be the weakness of your partner or some emotional scar from a previous relationship. Sometimes communication frees us where as other times it only burdens us. No one likes to be told what to do. Sometimes instead of talking yourselves silly a couple may just need to spend more time together, to grow fond of one another; with increased fondness the ability to care for someone increases. There is something to be said about the DTR but there is also something to be said about just letting things be a little more organic. I feel like maybe it is a fine line to walk in a relationship. It is hard to know when to talk and when to just let things be.
Friedrich Schiller ponders the harmony of what we want to do and what we are told to do. He suggests that harmony is found in beauty or art.
"Beauty alone makes all the world happy, and every being forgets it's limitations as long as it experiences her enchantment." -Friedrich Schiller
Schiller gives the example of weapon making. A blacksmith that makes weapons can either make them for their function only or he can make them art by making them ornate. If he does the second the thing that he is supposed to do (make the weapon and the thing) and the thing that he desires to do (be creative) are united. I think we all have the innate desire to be creative. If we do have this desire we will be motivated to do our imposed duties when we understand their creative or artistic potential.
So I think the same may apply to relationships. Lets first admit that relationships are work, no less work than the Black smith and more emotionally taxing. There is a duality in relationships of duty and desire as well, e.g. we love the kiss goodnight but we hate the giving constant reassurance or we love the communication but we learning that not every thing need to be analyzed. For each person the duty and desire is different. I wonder though if we could remedy our duties by changing them into art. For example learning to give reassurance in creative ways i.e. through rhyming text or perhaps a handcrafted trinket. Learning how to recognize all the variety of a moment instead of focusing on one problem. There is an art in losings oneself or committing oneself to each moment.
As in relationships so it is with life. Perhaps if we are transform our life into art we would become better people. More happy and more free.