I Am Large, I Contain Mulitudes

Liberal is not a dirty word!

2012-01-22T21:10:00.000-08:00

liberal |ˈlib(ə)rəl|

adjective

1 open to new behavior or opinions and willing to discard traditional values : they have more liberal views toward marriage and divorce than some people.

• favorable to or respectful of individual rights and freedoms : liberal citizenship laws.

• (in a political context) favoring maximum individual liberty in political and social reform : a liberal democratic state.

• ( Liberal) of or characteristic of Liberals or a Liberal Party.

• ( Liberal) (in the UK) of or relating to the Liberal Democrat Party : the Liberal leader.

• Theology regarding many traditional beliefs as dispensable, invalidated by modern thought, or liable to change.

2 [ attrib. ] (of education) concerned mainly with broadening a person's general knowledge and experience, rather than with technical or professional training.

3 (esp. of an interpretation of a law) broadly construed or understood; not strictly literal or exact : they could have given the 1968 Act a more liberal interpretation.

4 given, used, or occurring in generous amounts : liberal amounts of wine had been consumed.

• (of a person) giving generously : Sam was too liberal with the wine.

noun

a person of liberal views.

• ( Liberal) a supporter or member of a Liberal Party.

ORIGIN Middle English : via Old French from Latin liberalis, from liber ‘free (man).’ The original sense was [suitable for a free man,] hence [suitable for a gentleman] (one not tied to a trade), surviving in liberal arts. Another early sense [generous] ( compare with sense 4) gave rise to an obsolete meaning [free from restraint,] leading to sense 1 (late 18th cent.).

I am getting a little tired of feeling like liberal and sinful are somehow synonyms. I don't believe they are. I believe the church doesn't endorse one political party over another for a reason. Both parties have something to offer and both traditional and progressive views are needed. I am all for traditional values when I think they are needed or represent something God given. However, there are times when new opinions need to be listened to, because although an absolute truth may exist I believe we are learning more about it every day. I think that people and ideas are needed in the church that are willing to consider both new possibilities. I was listening to a podcast recently where they were interviewing members of the church that had both liberal and conservative views. One of the panel said they almost felt as though these two people were just wired differently. I believe both types of people are needed and perhaps we would all do a little better to embrace both parts of ourselves. Further I think that we ought to stop putting some artificial label of "liberal" on things that represent opinions that we don't agree with. As soon as that label is applied thinking has stopped, we put it in a category we think is safe and move one, I am suggesting we stop and consider more often, perhaps even find the good intent, I believe it is in both parties and both parties could find a lot more harmony if they would seek it out.

Finding or Building...

2011-12-30T21:46:00.001-08:00

I am 28 going on 29... not exactly the words to that song but it is where I am. Although the girl in that Sound of Music clip actually seemed much more secure about this whole love thing than I am now. To be fair I felt pretty secure about it at sixteen as well. I don't think I had as many doubts then about love and what it is. Recently I have been reflecting on the idea of "finding the right one" vs. "building a relationship." I tend towards the idea that relationships are something that we build but maybe it is combination of both of first finding and then builidng. i would like to think that more or less this "finding game" we play dating is a bunch of hooey. I am not talking about choosing someone you want to be with, I am talking about choosing someone you were meant to be with. However, I can only really base things off my own experience, and some people I just feel a connection to. Chemistry without even trying. Pardon my french but what the hell is that anyway. I have heard all sorts of explanations, from romantic novels claiming that two souls can be made of the same stuff, to science claiming it is based on body odor, and to people like me who just through their hands up in frustration. Of course I wouldn't throw my hands up if these instant connection always turned out well and ended in a happily ever after but they don't. I read a book called the Road Less Traveled where the author Scott Peck, claimed it was just a delusion to get people together in a family institution, otherwise no one sane would ever get married. Too much risk with out some mild mental illness. He also claimed that the idea that the one existed created a lot of pain and kept a lot of people alone because they never felt that spark, and rejected people they were very compatible with. So what does one do? Give up on the idea that they will meet that special someone? Do I just explain away those connections I felt to people as some delusion and try to find someone I like and that I think would be a good match? What do you do single friends? What do you think?

Homophobia

2011-10-30T22:40:00.000-07:00

I am currently planning on doing my thesis on Homophobic bullying. It has been challenging spiritually and also rewarding as I contemplate the harmful effects that homophobic bullying can have on students. One study I read found that insults about a student’s sexuality were found to be most hurtful, victims rated these comments as significantly more hurtful than racial comments. Perhaps most frightening is how long these negative epithets and associated bullying can be felt by their victims - often affecting how people interact long past high school, correlating to depression and low self esteem. Another point that I have taken from the studies: teenagers that have a good social support network are more likely to be resilient. Many people who identify as LGBT don't talk about their sexual orientation because they are afraid of losing their friends or loved ones. (Interestingly, mothers are the most likely family member to abuse their child after they come out. Researchers guessed that mothers respond abusively because they feel that society is most likely to blame them for influencing the child to be gay. On the opposite end Mothers are also the most likely to defend their gay child.)
The isolation that gay people experience is the point that I would like to dwell on: specifically those who are members of the church. One type of isolation I think that these individuals experience is that others around them believe "you are different from me, and the way you are different from me is bad." Many of the researchers I have read consider this to be a form of homophobia. Regardless of why you think people experience homosexual attraction, I think the object observer could conclude that it would be painful to understand your culture considers your attraction to be evil. I think one of the reasons our culture supports this idea is in hopes that a person will stop having these feelings, probably in the same way a person could stop looking at pornography. In other words if an activity is culturally shunned and disdained it won't happen as frequently. However, many individuals that have homosexual attraction would be offended by this comparison; a heterosexual person who quits looking at pornography will not stop feeling sexual attraction for the opposite sex. This conflict has lead to an interesting conflict in the church where I have heard some members say something like "the attraction you experience does not make you evil, but any actions you take to fulfill this attraction are." I think it would be difficult to separate these two from each other. As a friend suggested it may seem like separating hunger from eating. I can see how faithful members of the church that identify as LGBT walk away from comments like these frustrated or thinking that they as people are still evil. (In fact I think that heterosexual members often may struggle with this as well. Separating their desires and actions. Relief for both homosexuals and heterosexuals from unnecessary guilt may be in defining lust vs. attraction. The first one being morally wrong and the other not.)
There is also some discussion in the church trying to define what homosexuality is. Some people seem to believe that homosexuality really defines a person: the way they interact, and how feminine they are. Others believe that it doesn't define a person beyond the attraction they feel. To further complicate this some people really do experience attraction towards both sexes. I think these different individuals will respond differently to such statements and beliefs about their homosexuality. (The question about why individuals define themselves completely or only in part as homosexual could be cultural and could be hereditary, I tend to believe that as with all things in life there is a combination of both.)
As always I don't have the answers to the question of homosexuality in the church. I don't experience this attraction myself so I cannot speak from personal experience. On a personal level the more I study this subject the more I believe that God does really understand these individuals and most often I'm impressed by how the Church has handled such a difficult conflict with the morality of the religion. I still believe in the sanctity of the family and that marriage should be between a man and woman. Yet, my studies of homophobic bullying have made me strongly feel that members would benefit from trying to imagine what it would be like to be an individual that experiences homosexual attraction in the church. I believe there is a lot more room for an empathy that we can all experience at some level, even if we have never experienced that attraction. The difficulty of being a member of the church and having same sex attraction seems to be an exasperating challenge and we ought to work to better reach out to these members regardless of how they feel about their sexuality or their position of the church.
I wanted to post this blog as a conversation. I will not pretend to be anywhere close to an expert on this subject. More accurately, I think that it is a subject that ought to be considered more by members of the church and all people, so I invite all feedback. To put the problem in simple terms I believe there is a significant population that is hurting and that understanding can bring some healing.

The Way

2011-09-06T12:01:00.000-07:00

Here is another original song I wrote. I wrote it as a sort of promise to myself. I won't give any further introduction, I will include the lyrics below the video.

Lyrics
What was I thinking? What am I thinking now?
What, somehow I could find the way?
My hair is dripping, my body's going numb,
in phone booth with nothing more to say
Operator can you help me? It seems I have lost my way
I need to find a taxi, to get me out of this place
Feels like I'm dreaming, what good has dreaming done?
When this is my reality
My stomach's burning, my back is aching,
and sky is blacked out another day
Operator can you help me? It seems I have lost my way
I need to find a taxi, to get me out of this place
Hey it seem that people see they want to see
You see your projection you don't see me
Wake every morning with your best James Dean
Or Marilyn Monroe, you choose your tragedy like
cheerios or another morning routine
got to shine those shoes, make sure they look pristine
greet the day and expect some new truth
Operator can you help me? It seem's I've lost my way
Dr. Phil can you help me? We could analyze my mistakes
Oprah can you help me? With the next health craze
Mr President you could lend a hand, by pulling jobs from outer space
Sweet Jesus can you help me? I fear I'm losing faith

Last Kiss Uke cover

2011-08-28T20:57:00.000-07:00

This is a great song and based on a true story. I am doing it on the Uke. Dedicated to one of my best life time friends, and tag team partner in Junior High Pro Wrestling Derek Peacock!

A Little Ray of Sunshine

2011-08-26T22:23:00.001-07:00

When I became a teenager my dad recruited me into the sheep herding business. I have quite of few memories of working with the sheep, most of them boring, some of them gruesome and yes some of them exciting and fun. Some of the more boring and nippy memories I have are loading the sheep on the semi in the Manti La Sal forest. The sheep were put on the mountain range for grazing during the summer months. But, when winter was upon us the sheep had to be moved to the desert. My job as always was to stand behind the sheep and to push them up the coral. We started early and it was bitter cold. The cold was even more apparent when one of the sheep stepped on your toes. My cousin used to instruct me to point my hands towards the sun to warm my frozen fingers. I couldn't wait for the sun to come down the mountain and warm the valley. I was really appreciative when it finally came. This little folk ditty is inspired by those mornings.

Life Boldly

2011-08-10T17:06:00.001-07:00

I stewed and stewed over the decision to serve a mission. Finally my Dad pulled me aside and told me that if I was going to go I needed to go and if I wasn't it was time to move on with my life. I believe my Dad believes that happiness lies in decision. I chose to go. I so often stew over every decision something as big as a mission to as small as buying a power sander for my sister, I make myself sick and knot up my brain. I need to find a new way to live... suggestions?

Minority

2011-08-08T06:34:00.001-07:00

So, I know it is more imagined than real but I feel my difference around people. When I am in Salt Lake City at some local coffee shop, I feel like I can feel my Mormoness, or the different standards I have chosen to live by. During the time I have spent in Provo sometimes I feel like I can feel my liberal ideology. I love both parts of myself, but for some reasons in those circumstances I feel almost defensive about those parts of myself.

Art - Vulgarity

2011-08-01T08:56:00.000-07:00

Just a reoccurring question in my mind. When does art become pornography? What makes art vulgar? For some the question is easy nudity = porn and bad language = vulgar. For me it is less clear...

Participate

2011-06-21T21:14:00.001-07:00

participate |pärˈtisəˌpāt|
verb [ intrans. ]
1 take part : thousands participated in a nationwide strike.
2 ( participate of) archaic have or possess (a particular quality) : both members participate of harmony.

Have you ever thought of participation as a form of ownership. I like the definition. I think it is like taking ownership of experience because you are choosing what life will be like instead of passively letting experiences happen to you. I have found the more I participate or the more ownership I take of my life, the happier that I am.

Expectations, Realizations - Ben Bailey & Linze Struiksma

2011-03-18T04:44:00.000-07:00

Linze just posted this recently. Thanks for recording Meggie.

I want...

2011-02-28T22:35:00.000-08:00

I want to make others happy. I want to be happy. I want to change the world. I want to run a marathon. I want to fix my car. I want to be more direct. I want to be more honest. I want more direction. I want to perform in front of thousands. I want to dance and sing every day. Yet, life is short, life is short.

One of my all time favorites

2011-02-24T09:05:00.000-08:00

Cooties

2011-02-14T07:27:00.000-08:00

I don't know when I first came down with the Cooties but for any of you still contemplating hand holding please note:
-no amount of soap can wash the Cooties germs off
-the disease is chronic and terminal
-symptoms range from extreme elation to severe depression

Prepare for the Worst

2011-02-12T07:42:00.000-08:00

I still remember the first time I ran for class Vice President, how nervous I was. "Plan for the Best, prepare for the worst," I believe a few people offered me this sage advice. I don't think this advice helped me, for me it meant imagine how you might feel if you don't win. Some may criticize that I forgot the first part but I coupled this advice with the other sage wisdom "don't get your hopes up." I didn't want to be devastated if I lost. So I held on to the latter part of that advice. The result equaled a week of burdensome and unneeded worry.
Since then I have thought critically about my interpretation this advice, at least the latter part. It is a thinking error, called fortune telling. A negative way of thinking I seem to have mastered as a defense mechanism; kind of like a preemptive strike. "If I will feel this way now so I won't feel as bad later." This belief may be somewhat true but it isn't worth the consistent anxiety it causes. I will happily trade a lifetime of fear for two handfuls of grief. But, familiarity is a funny friend and all people frequently return to what is usual even if it's unkind. This little life of our takes a lot of insight and determination if we want to change.
"What's next is courage" -Peter Gizzy

Vegetarianism

2011-01-09T14:18:00.000-08:00

I went to Pets Mart with my sister (a vegetarian) to buy her dog an identification tag. While there I suggested that we look at the fish. As we looked I mentioned to Polly how my girlfriend Angie had stopped eating fish. Polly seemed surprised. She asked why. I told Polly that I thought it was in part because of me, that Angie and I had discussed why she was a vegetarian. Angie is a vegetarian because of the cruel treatment of animals. I felt that fish were treated equally cruelly. I believe she quit eating fish because she didn't want to cause them suffering either. Polly seemed surprised that I had made such a suggestion, and as I looked at the fish in the tank, I couldn't help but ponder my own convictions. Why do I feel entitled to cause another creature suffering? Perhaps it is because there are no meat eating activist but I have yet to hear a compelling moral argument in favor of eating meat. I don't know that i will change but it is moments like this one that torment me a little.

… because people think that I am deep.

2010-12-24T01:26:00.000-08:00

Like a pit or like a hole. What is deep anyway? Someone calls you deep? “Like so deep I could fall into you man.” Why do people dig anyway? Why are we so fasinated with skeletons? I color coordinate the skeletons in my closet. I take each one to the cleaners where they are dry cleaned and pressed. Sometimes it feel as though that is why I am blogging. Searching for some sort of reason or rhyme to the madness of my past. I guess I am hoping that if I can make sense out of it that then the present will be clearer. That is one possibility. But, it also may be my facination with skeletons comes from the lack of risk. You can misunderstand your past because there is little danger. I can spend all day coming up with hypotheses and I never need to prove if they are right or wrong. I can pleasently swim through my own ambiguity and not need to worry about commitment sharks or abandonment drought. It’s a deep well. One deep enough to get lost in for a long time and the water is just right.

We are through

2010-09-12T23:05:00.000-07:00

Hail FEAR:
I am going to start with a little 9/11 thought. I am grateful I live in America where I am free to make my own choices. Now, with that said if I had to choose a heavy handed tyrant that has dictated my life from time to time I would choose fear. In the perfect world I could move past all my previous failures and run at new opportunities with gusto. However, I don't the pain of some failures haunt me and their ghost sometimes hinder me even more than the actual event. It is easy to look at someone who has let fear paralyze them and be frustrated. Sometimes you just want to shake others and say you have so much to offer, just forget about failure, those failures don't define you and they are not as big as you think. But, lurking just around the corner is your own fear and suddenly... you have a hard time convincing your foot to move any farther, that is unless you move in the opposite direction of forward.

The big C.
I am realizing I have the fear of commitment. It's funny because when I commit to something I am happy. It gives me purpose and something to work towards. The other odd thing is that I believe that part of what makes me afraid of commitment is that I don't want to be alone. Somehow it is my fear of being lonely that keeps me alone. I guess that is because there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I am alone when I go on my morning runs and I couldn't feel more pleasant, the breeze blowing through my hair and my lungs filling my chest. I am lonely when I thought Jane was going to call me back that day and it is 8:00 PM, I am sitting between two close friends and watching UHF (or some other comedy classic), but I am devastated.Those pains and those emotions are real and they are potent. Loneliness can be a jalapeno when the other sensations are grapes. And sometimes the memories of those times are habaneros, if I am looking at a potentially lonely causing situation. Strangest of all somehow fear convinces me that somehow wallowing in that habanero water will keep me safe from a deeper pain. I don't understand fear, I don't understand how it grips me, but continuing with the 9/11 theme here is my deceleration of independence.

The Deceleration:
Dear Fear,
Hey, I would say it's been a while but it hasn't. We have been together a long time, but I am through. You are the most manipulative and jealous friend I have ever had. The only way that you keep me around is by the memory of some previous pain and any time I want to go kick it with another emotion you always come in to crash the party. I feel as though I can be better without you. I know that I am not perfect and I know that I will make mistakes. I know that I need to be okay with that or else you will be right there, but I am deleting your number and changing my add.
My life will be better without you. I am going to go make mistakes and then I am going to laugh at myself. I am going to go love and get my heartbroken, and then because I learned so much about myself and he purpose of my existence I am going to go do it again. I am going to go live life as a flawed human being and I won't be great but I will be okay.
Oh and for all those things you kept me from. Thanks but no thanks. I met someone new named judgment.
Tata,
Ben

The Diary of Wimpy Kid (still in the dark)

2010-09-05T21:08:00.000-07:00

So I was able to go down to Price and spend time with my nieces and nephew for a couple of days, being with them is a joy. They recommended that we rent the movie Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Grace, the youngest, kept quoting a line from the movie about a secret freckle and then bursting out into laughter. It is always a joy to watch movies simply because they laugh out loud at more things, which in turn makes me laugh as well. I don’t laugh enough.
The movie made me think about junior high though and how important it was to me to be cool. I have memories of doing the right thing, casting my coolness aside, but I also have memories of doing the wrong thing to preserve my coolness. Junior High was a hard time to be moral. I don’t know why it was but somehow the worse behaviors made you popular in junior high: fighting, swearing, and hazing. I once sat at the popular lunch table in Junior high, but was met with opposition because I wasn’t cool enough. “No, Ben can’t sit here, he’s not cool enough. I bet he has never even been suspended or got an F before.” I couldn’t sit at the cool table because I passed all my classes.
A new guilty pleasure that I have found is watching the show Dating in the Dark. I usually shy away from reality T.V. but you can convince yourself to do some silly things when you are avoiding study time for the GRE. The premise for the show is that the bring in three males and three females and then let them date each other in a dark room where they can’t see each other and therefore are forced to base attraction off of personality only. The interesting thing is that as of yet they haven’t had any unattractive people on the show. I mean they are not all super models, only one of those so far, but they are all what I would consider good looking people. However they are completely insecure about themselves and as they divulge their insecurities to the camera they recall their experience in high school. Really? Maybe in some ways we all graduate from high school but our culture is still just as judgmental of physical appearance.
I think that is actually a tangent. What I want to talk about is coolness? I have been wandering lately how important it is to me to be cool. Maybe it was when I was standing in front of my girlfriends apartment with flowers hoping roommate wouldn’t answer because I would feel silly, or maybe the countless times I was surprised but kept a flat affect so no one would know, or maybe it was the time that a session director called me emotionally opaque. I am beginning to wonder if all those things are connected.
Either way I am glad that I graduated junior high and high school… at least I hope I did. Going back to the movie, Rowley really is the hero of that movie. One of those people who graduated before they have graduated so to speak. Someone who never cared what other people thought and just was always them self. I know he is fictional but let me just end by saying that he is my hero.

Dave Monfredi

2010-05-08T08:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Dave,
I am really going to miss you. I was just watching the video we made of you and Ruthann as a Christmas gift with a new friend. She recommended that I go and see you. Funny, how things like that work out, but not really. I hope you are enjoying the next life. I hope you you are running, jumping, doing cartwheels and somersaults. I hope you are singing with an Angel choir. I hope you are laughing so hard your stomach hurts and then looking down at all of us perplexed wondering why we are so sad. Maybe we wouldn't be so sad if we could see you doing all those things.
I am really going to miss you Dave. I am going to miss your sense of humor. I am going to miss seeing you yell at the people playing game shows on T.V. I am going to miss hearing you finish Ruthann's sentences. I am going to miss you inquisitiveness. I am going miss hearing you sing off key. I am even going to miss hearing you complain about walking and doing exercise.
You really helped me Dave. You showed me kindness and love and I am proud to call you a friend. I can still remember a few times when you pulled my father aside and told him how grateful you were for me and that I was really doing a great job. Here is a secret each time you did that I cried a little. That sincere offering of gratitude really meant a lot to me. Thanks, for that and everything else. This is a poor way to thank you but now it's too late to thank you in person. I am really going to miss you, but I appreciate everything you taught me.
Love, Ben

Online Self-Disclosure

2010-04-25T22:57:00.000-07:00

“So this is how a heart breaks”, “I need some friends”, or “Can anyone hear me? “ These aren’t real but they could be. People post statuses like these all the time on Facebook. For me they are cries for help, but often I don’t know how to respond. Often they are people I am not really close to. Why do we do it? Did online self-disclosure take away our ability to have self-disclosure in person? Does it replace that need?
I’ll be honest I don’t know. They are many varieties of online self-disclosure.
-The Facebook / Twitter Status. Often vague and always short.
-The Blog and Email- more long and specific.
- Online Chat – much like a conversation.
I’ll do a little self-disclosing right now. I have used all three and sometimes they have felt rewarding. Sometime it is nice to just get things off your chest. Writing is a good way to get concrete thoughts. Chat is sometimes an easier communication for me because if sometimes it is easier to focus on the written word than the spoken word, plus you don’t have to ask someone to repeat. You can just re-read something you don’t understand. Still, I sometimes I have posted a status or blog to get some affection and sometimes I have followed someone else’s online communication to understand them better, because I knew I could read things they wouldn’t feel comfortable telling me in person. It feels like something is missing in these situations

Confessional Poetry

2010-04-08T09:52:00.001-07:00

So poetry can be a revealing way to look at memories...

She still had a Boyfriend.

8:45
“One more person speaks and I’ll lose it!”
the narrator overpowers, reprimanding us all
like an older sister, because we weren’t playing
the game right I nuzzle up to myself, like a child
afraid to cry Werewolf - surrounded by accusations.
My pocket buzzed; text message: hey :)
An angel, a hum of flirtation,
or someone that I could talk with.

9:30
“I love going for walks and talking.”
you ache to tell me some secret about
drawing journals, I don’t understand why
it’s private; I fall easily into the rhythm
of our feet, so inviting that it feels like rebellion.
Crossing into the construction zones,
convinced Harold and Maude connected us
you refused the movie, but accepted its song.

10:45
“And I will block the door like a goalie tending…”
your favorite lyric, almost prophetic, lyrics
an apparent communication. Resounding in
that large grass bowl and flitting into lucky charm
stars beyond us. Rambling about the moon’s shape,
your words slipped past like a falling star
too distant to see, but your intention stuck
like a powdered jelly donut, cuddles
in my throat, goodness almost painful.

Passages: ANNA KARENIN

2010-03-21T13:58:00.000-07:00

There are some passages in books that I don't want to forget. I have been reading Anna Karenin, and I love it. The book has lot's of these, but this one stuck out to me last night. It describes the type of love I hope to someday obtain. I hope you enjoy it. It is describing a recently married couple, Levin and Kitty.

This first quarrel arose from Levin's having gone out to a new farmhouse and having been away half an hour too long, because he had tried to get home by a short cut and had lost his way. He drove home thinking of nothing but her, of her love, of his own happiness, and the nearer he drew to home, the warmer was his tenderness for her. He ran into the room with the same feeling, with an even stronger feeling than he had had when he reached the Shtcherbatskys' house to make his offer. And suddenly he was met by a lowering expression he had never seen in her. He would have kissed her; she pushed him away.

"What is it?"

"You've been enjoying yourself," she began, trying to be calm and spiteful. But as soon as she opened her mouth, a stream of reproach, of senseless jealousy, of all that had been torturing her during that halfhour which she had spent sitting motionless at the window, burst from her. It was only then, for the first time, that he clearly understood what he had not understood when he led her out of the church after the wedding. He felt now that he was not simply close to her, but that he did not know where he ended and she began. He felt this from the agonizing sensation of division that he experienced at that instant. He was offended for the first instant, but the very same second he felt that he could not be offended by her, that she was himself. He felt for the first moment as a man feels when, having suddenly received a violent blow from behind, he turns round, angry and eager to avenge himself, to look for his antagonist, and finds that it is he himself who has accidentally struck himself, that there is no one to be angry with, and that he must put up with and try to soothe the pain.

Beautiful. I hope this is what it means to become "one" with the person you fall in love with.

A Walk to Remember

2010-03-04T10:23:00.000-08:00

Caitlin Faucheux dominated about 89.3 % of all my thoughts as an 18 year old senior of Carbon High school. She was kind, interesting, quirky and had a laugh that still warms me to think about. But, unlike any girl I had ever dated before, Caitlin was conservative, lawful, and VERY Mormon. Sadly at that point in my life, being Mormon wasn’t a world I understood. I had been told all about it, 18 years of primary, family home evening, Sunday school, seminary, and heartfelt counsel will do that to you, but I didn’t believe and in that way I understood less about Caitlin than a devoted sunbeam. I really wanted to understand Caitlin. (Note* I didn’t get the girl. She is happily married to a seminary teacher, big surprise, who I understand is a wonderful man. That isn’t really what the story is about though.) One way I attempted was reading her favorite book, A Walk to Remember. Yes, I Ben Bailey, English major at the U, did read a Nicholas Sparks novel, and honestly no apologies. I don’t remember much about the novel; I don’t remember exactly how it ended, or why they fell in love. What I do remember is why Caitlin loved it – Jaime Sullivan. Have you ever heard that song, “Window to his Love”? It’s a song about pointing to the Savior in everything you do, say and think. So that when people see you they will think of him. That is Jaime Sullivan. She is always pointing everything back to God and always talking about him. As you would expect this attitude ostracizes her from her teenage peers but she persists. She was a fictional role model for Caitlin. I made an impromptu visit to an institute class today. And we talked about John 16: 13-14 and how the Holy Ghost always glorifies the Savior. That reminded of Caitlin, and a Walk to Remember. Most importantly it reminded me of who I want to be. The spirit spoke to me in that class and reminded me of that. I confront doubt in my life frequently and although I read my scriptures every morning and attend institute twice a week sometimes they persist. However, that simple experience humbled me greatly. It reminded of all the spiritual gifts I have been given and how Christ has changed the person I was into the person I am now. I know the spirit because for me it fills with me with more light and love than any other feeling. I’m grateful for that experience. I’m grateful for fictional people like Jaime and real people like Caitlin that have set that example for me. I hope I can keep the same perspective.

The Perfect Chair

2010-02-28T22:23:00.000-08:00

So there is this man. Lets call him Ned, and Ned is sitting in his favorite chair at home. A chair he has had all his life. Then one day, his fourteenth birthday, he looks at his chair and he wonders “I have been sitting in this chair since I was an infant and it’s been good, but I wonder if there is a better chair out there.” From this moment, Ned’s life changes he can’t be content. Every time he sits on that chair he just can’t be satisfied any longer. So on his eighteenth birthday he eats some cake, stands up from his favorite chair, kisses his mother goodbye and then leaves. “Goodbye Mother dear, I will return once I have found the perfect chair.” Ned travels the world, he takes boats, trains, planes and even travels great distances by foot. But the more chairs he tries the more picky he becomes. He just can’t find this chair. He spends his whole adult life away from home on this quest. On his seventieth birthday he gets word of this chair on top of this large mountain. He starts climbing the next morning. He is old and the climb is very hard. It takes him months. Finally he makes it to the top of the mountain. There is quaint little cabin there and he goes in. There is another lonely old man living there and he offers him a seat and pours him some lemonade. The seat there is much like his childhood chair. After trying all the other chairs, he realizes this chair is nothing extraordinary, but he is tired and the lonely host is friendly so he sits and chats for the day. Night comes and Ned is exhausted so he falls asleep in the chair. He is so tired he sleeps for days. When he awakes he still doesn’t have the motivation to get back up so he stays. “Only a little longer” he tells the host then I will be on my way. The host just smiles and offers him more lemonade. Eventually the chair begins to mold to him and maybe he even molds a little to the chair. To be fair his quest has been very hard and he is old so decides to stay, indefinitely. He never gets the motivation to get back up and eventually he dies in this chair.

So this is a fable I wrote in High School. I think I wrote it then as a sort of cautionary tale. The Moral: Don’t settle for something just because you are tired. It inspired a song I wrote called “Bloodstain”. Here is a link to that song. http://www.myspace.com/poetryforthemasses You will need to cut and copy. The old man is the beginning character. I was so afraid then that I would just give up on my quest for absolute truth. I don’t know if I’d pull the same moral now. It had a lot to do with my religious search and I am much more at peace about that now. I know Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, that the L.D.S. church is God’s church, and most important that I have a Savior, Jesus Christ, who atoned for all of the worlds sins. That resolves much, but even in that arena there is still so much to learn, so much I don’t understand, and probably won’t til’ the next life. Mostly for me now the perfect chair represents me, or the person I want to be. Sadly that perfect person I want to be doesn’t exist, at least not in this life. So like Ned and not like Ned, I go on these quests trying to find my perfect self (I read a self help book or I make goals then I try to change.) and then I get tired and sit down. After getting over my tiredness I look down. I feel like I always end up in the same chair. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am growing, but sometimes I just don’t see it… any thoughts? advice?

Decision Ramble

2010-02-21T21:22:00.001-08:00

I come from a thoughtful and wise family, full of insight and advice. As I mature I realize that they have had many similar experiences. They love me and care about me deeply. Further, I have a Father in Heaven and a Savior, through their divinity they can understand my life perfectly and prompt me in correct directions. It is most definitely a blessing! I’d be insane to call it a curse right? Sometimes it feels that way though. I so deeply entrenched by others with profound insight that I am really afraid to go against their counsel. I know, sounds more like a personal problem. It’s not a curse, I get that. I had a sort of wake up call though recently, when I realized that this is my life and that I need to be making my own decisions, and then for better or worse taking responsibility for those decisions. It some ways it is easy to follow someone else’s counsel and give them all the credit, sure if you succeed then you defer some of the glory but if you fail you don’t have to take responsibility. Luckily I have found that my Heavenly Father is much more selective about the advice he gives out. I often come off my knees at night without any directional prompting. I feel the more spiritually mature I become the less directional promptings I receive. I think that is because for me personally, I need to learn the make my own decisions. Because I know my Heavenly Father would never lead me astray sometimes I am on my knees for a long time, trying to discover the really pertinent answers. In my desperation I think I have even sometimes crafted my own answers. I am beginning to understand now that the Lord expects me to make my own decisions. Sometimes even that means living with some negative consequences. I can only do the best I can with what I have. I don’t know it all, but the Lord understands that and wants me to go ahead anyway, and when I do the best I can, regardless if it is the best decision the lord will bless me for trying. I think that’s right.

Another Poem

2010-01-18T22:37:00.000-08:00

This morning Sue Coles swallowed the sun.

She woke and breathed deeply.
The suction powerful, tearing
smog from the atmosphere, like
cotton glued to blue construction paper.

The smog plastered against her
bedroom window, pulled thinly
through the crack of the sill.
Swirling whirlpools into both her nostrils.

She had never breathed so deeply and now
the back of her throat tickled and she coughed.

The first explosion of air, though minor,
knocked hard against her teeth, causing
chronic jaw pain and a migraine. Terrified
she suppressed the next as long as possible.

Just under two minutes, seemingly longer.
The second, she opened her mouth
a torrent of pollution slapped the opposing
wall so hard her house collapsed.

Homeless, powerful, one thing remained to do.

Tears

2010-01-09T21:55:00.000-08:00

I saw blindside with my parents tonight. It was completely lovely. My Dad even bought us some movie popcorn. I may have feared my dad growing up, but he does some pretty endearing things now and again. I haven’t had movie popcorn in a long time, much better than the microwave stuff. The movie didn’t even make it past the opening credits before I got a little teary eyed; maybe I was just anticipating the cathartic experience. I have spent the past few years trying to re-train myself how to cry. I think subconsciously crying=weakness for me. In general I don’t cry, I can still count on my hands the times I remember crying about an experience in my life: my dog, Draco, getting run over, totaling two cars in a week, a dear friend’s suicide. I have convinced myself that crying in movie theaters is acceptable, but even that is a recent development. One time during a difficult patch in a relationship I went to a really sad movie. Subconsciously, I think I went because I really wanted to cry but realized I couldn’t on my own. I discovered that in the movie. Those tears released a lot of pent up anguish that wasn’t coming from the movie. Recently when a relationship came to an end, I was able to cry without any help from a movie. I was just cutting cheese for a salad and tears just sort of came out. They were brief but for a moment it was a nice relief. I hope I continue on this path and that I can convince myself to not be ashamed of my tears. Cheers to you who aren’t ashamed.

I Think Submarine is the Most Beautiful Word in the English Language.

2009-12-30T16:38:00.001-08:00

Submerging, delving down like a gold fish with a steel marble shoved down its stomach, hovering just above lava lava rocks, twirling in a swirl of pastels, swishing effortlessly like seaweed until it sunk into the sand. Rising up around it like fog, then descending like glitter in a snow globe. Our eyes all intent on the next movement that never came.

Dark Spots

2009-12-18T07:45:00.000-08:00

A leader from the LDS faith said something about faith being a step in the dark. This step an essential ingredient for cultivating your faith A blind step certainly always has an inherit risk. (I am sure we have all stumbled up or down the stairs because we were confident of that extra step.) Of course, if we don’t follow that impression, our conscience, or the beckoning Christ on the water then our faith won’t develop and we never find out why we were supposed to take the step. Sometime to see your blessings you need to step forward. Stepping forward in the dark teaches us to trust our invitations to move forward.
Currently the step forward is not my most difficult struggle. It is the view behind me. I took that step forward with faith; rather I took those steps forward. Steps I took for an entire summer with spiritual confidence. The problem: I don’t know why I took them. I look behind me and it’s darkness. Sometimes we don’t receive an explanation, even further sometimes we don’t receive a confirmation and that can be just as hard as not receiving an assurance. Accepting that the Lord will explain, confirm and assure in his own time all are part of developing our faith in him.
In the mean time, the Savior counsels us to “ let our eye be single to his glory” and his light. Trust the darkness is there for a reason, but don’t focus on it. If we focus on it then our entire body will be filled with darkness. When an Angel asked Nephi if he knew the meaning of something he didn’t. He responded “I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.” Nephi had dark spots he just didn’t focus on them. He instead focused on the love of God or light. The love of God is not the only light we can focus on, although, it may encompass all of it. Whatever our light is and however much we have we need focus on it. My Thesis: Sometimes God expects us to accept our dark spots without focusing on them, instead we should focus on the light we do have.

A lesson from Malcolm

2009-12-14T21:46:00.001-08:00

Malcolm X said that he received a better education in prison than any man could have received in any university. He devoured book after book in prison. That is because people in prison have a lot of spare time. I wish I took more time to read but my desire to hang out always takes precedence. Sometimes my desire to facebook takes precedence. I think I need to fix this. It’s finals and really what I ought to do is study…
Love,
Ben

Am I Here?

2009-12-10T08:33:00.000-08:00

A fellow student pointed out how frequently I look at the clock in class. I don't know why it is so hard for me to just exist without trying to orient myself and decide where I am. In relationships sometimes I get stuck in a DTR (Define the Relationship) cycle. I wonder if these two are related.
Currently I am feeling confused about my feelings. I wonder if that means my thoughts in this blog will be confusing.
I finished the Book of Mormon again. I love that book. I have read it enough times though that sometimes my mind wanders when I read it. I am amazed each time I pay close attention to the words because I end up learning so much stuff.
My favorite poetry line lately has been. "What's next is courage.": That's Life- Peter Gizzy. That's what I need. I think sorrow is a natural part of life, but I am beginning to realize that sometime I prolong it because I am afraid to move forward. Afraid to talk to the strangers at the cross walk, afraid to start my English paper, afraid to let someone break my heart, and afraid to break someoneelse's heart.
Cheers,
Ben

Responsibility to Serve

2009-11-07T06:15:00.000-08:00

I was just reading Moroni’s epistle to Pahoran this morning and it impressed me in a new way. I have always been impressed by Pahoran response to unwarranted censure, but I never really appreciated the doctrine in Moroni’s epistle before. These two verses impressed me the most:

Alma 60

11 Behold, could ye suppose that ye could sit upon your thrones, and because of the exceeding goodness of God ye could do nothing and he would deliver you? Behold, if ye have supposed this ye have supposed in vain.

19 Or is it that ye have neglected us because ye are in the heart of our country and ye are surrounded by security, that ye do not cause food to be sent unto us, and also men to strengthen our armies?

Moroni condemns apathy in a time of war. My own paraphrase considering the context would read; we are commanded support our armies when they are in need. I feel like this applies to more than just war. I believe we are responsible to our church, our communities, even the entire world. God has commanded us to succor those in distress. This may be emotional, spiritual, or physical. Doing nothing will condemn us. I don’t want to overwhelm anyone, but these verses are pertinent to my circumstance. I am “surrounded by security” and living in prosperity compared with much of the world. God has blessed me with this ease so I can bless my neighbor. Who is my neighbor? Christ answered that in the parable of the Good Samaritan. I would like answer the question in the form a of David Wilcox song entitled “No Far Away.” He explains a sort of world conciseness I would like to get to.

There's no far away, There is no more far away,
so these dreams of the wild west will lead us astray
there is no more far away,

when the war had gone on too long
and the crowd said the troops should come home, home
this blue planet turning alone
the troops had never been gone

when the missles are waiting to fly
and rip through the innocent sky
if we swing out our six guns like the sherrif on high
it's not just the bad guys who die

and these changes can not be denied
we live close to the worlds other side
that can save us or kill us, it's time to decide
but the past is no safe place to hide

for resentment doesn't die with the dead,
despite what the general said
this oil slick of blood, across the ocean will spread
and just poison our own well instead

There's no far away, There is no more far away,
so these dreams of the wild west will lead us astray
there is no more far away,

The idea in this song is idealistic. But, follow the advice of John Lennon and just imagine it with me for a minute. What it would be like to live in a world where everyone was your neighbor. A lot of people I know already believe this idea. I wish I could internalize it more. I wish cared as much for the stranger walking down the street, the starving child in Africa or even the brainwashed Taliban member as much as I cared for my loved ones. Loving the Taliban member doesn’t mean I would lose my moral compass. I would still oppose wickedness, but my attitude would be different. I would value him like I would a murderous brother. Maybe I don’t have the emotional fortitude for that. I think about the last Moroni and how he loved the Nephites even though he witnessed them doing horrific things. He didn’t support them in their wickedness but he did try to help them by preaching to them.
I need to return to Captain Moroni and Pahoran. Moroni doesn’t command Paharon to help the Lamanites. He does command him to support the righteous. There are so many people around us trying to do the right thing but that are being beaten down. If we do nothing to help those people because we are at ease then we condemn ourselves. They are our responsibility.

Bear with me...

2009-11-05T09:43:00.001-08:00

So I have been reading a book called The Anatomy of Peace lately that exposed me to uncomfortable self-realization. Those are always bitter sweet, bitter because uncomfortable self-realizations often are generated by undesired qualities, sweet because they give me the opportunity to improve. Today's uncomfortable self-realizations have to do with how I justify my action or inaction. According to this book there are four ways. I want to list all four but I I will spend the most time on the one I struggle with. If you want to understand the others better than you should read the book. The four ways are: The Better Than, I Deserve, Need to Be Seen As, and Worse Than.
To summarize:
Better Than justification keeps you from helping others because you consider them less. The example given in the book is if you drop something on floor but don't pick it up because you assume someone else can. This assumption contains within it the assumption that you are better than whoever you think will pick it up.
The I Deserve justification keeps you from helping someone because you may think they have mistreated you.
The Worse Than justification keeps you from helping someone because you think that your infirmities, or problems keep you from doing so.
The Need to Be Seen Well keeps you from helping others because you are afraid of how it will make you look. This could apply to a popular person that is afraid to help an outcast because he doesn't want to be seen as an outcast. This is my problem, but it doesn't occur to me in that way. The way I want to be seen is helpful, kind, patient and loving. So this weakness effects me in a different way. It is this weakness that keeps me from speaking up when I have been hurt. Lets say someone says something that I find offensive. I want to be seen as kind and not judgmental of them so I keep my mouth shut. I am afraid they will think less of me. If I was really kind I would try to help them and communicate why I thought it was wrong. Instead I just swallow it. As a result I maintain my opinion that I need to not interfere. I think that people are always judging my words and as threatening me. I can see especially how this has hurt me in close relationships. Most often because I don't want to come off as needy. I don't want to communicate when I feel like have been hurt. As a result I end up being more needy because I need others to justify my desire to have my needs fulfilled. I become hyper-sensitive, that if I bring up a need it will be judged wrongly and I will be viewed as a needy person. That creates a need for someone to tell me that I am not being needy. I don't know the entire solution yet other than to understand that we are all imperfect and and my needs don't make me any less perfect than someone else. Yes my needs may make me imperfect but not enough to not help someone. Actually that would an example of the last Worse Than justification. I really don't know all the answers, but sometimes it is nice to see your weaknesses. Turns out I have a lot to work on. Turns out a lot problems I have faced in relationships have been my own undoing. Thanks for being patient.

This Morning.

2009-10-03T07:54:00.001-07:00

I don't know what is about me that makes me want to spontaneously climb up Ensign Peak and read "Song of Myself" by Walt Whitman at six thirty in the morning to the sun rising BUT... I think I like that part of myself. =)

Duty vs. Desire

2009-09-16T11:52:00.000-07:00

So I have been thinking a lot about communication in a relationship. Should we communicate emotional, physical and spiritual needs in a relationship? Yes. The reason being sometimes our needs are not validated simply because we do not communicate them. I am beginning to realize however that this maybe an idealist statement. Often it is more complicated than that. A need that isn’t being met may instead be the weakness of your partner or some emotional scar from a previous relationship. Sometimes communication frees us where as other times it only burdens us. No one likes to be told what to do. Sometimes instead of talking yourselves silly a couple may just need to spend more time together, to grow fond of one another; with increased fondness the ability to care for someone increases. There is something to be said about the DTR but there is also something to be said about just letting things be a little more organic. I feel like maybe it is a fine line to walk in a relationship. It is hard to know when to talk and when to just let things be.
Friedrich Schiller ponders the harmony of what we want to do and what we are told to do. He suggests that harmony is found in beauty or art.
"Beauty alone makes all the world happy, and every being forgets it's limitations as long as it experiences her enchantment." -Friedrich Schiller
Schiller gives the example of weapon making. A blacksmith that makes weapons can either make them for their function only or he can make them art by making them ornate. If he does the second the thing that he is supposed to do (make the weapon and the thing) and the thing that he desires to do (be creative) are united. I think we all have the innate desire to be creative. If we do have this desire we will be motivated to do our imposed duties when we understand their creative or artistic potential.
So I think the same may apply to relationships. Lets first admit that relationships are work, no less work than the Black smith and more emotionally taxing. There is a duality in relationships of duty and desire as well, e.g. we love the kiss goodnight but we hate the giving constant reassurance or we love the communication but we learning that not every thing need to be analyzed. For each person the duty and desire is different. I wonder though if we could remedy our duties by changing them into art. For example learning to give reassurance in creative ways i.e. through rhyming text or perhaps a handcrafted trinket. Learning how to recognize all the variety of a moment instead of focusing on one problem. There is an art in losings oneself or committing oneself to each moment.
As in relationships so it is with life. Perhaps if we are transform our life into art we would become better people. More happy and more free.

Well it's love.

2009-09-08T07:57:00.000-07:00

In Love

2009-08-08T01:28:00.000-07:00

So… currently I am in love. Completely and utterly twitterpated. It’s scares the piss out of me think it to myself, maybe even more to write it down. Somehow doing so makes it more real and I don’t like that. But, denying it to yourself only seems to burn a hole in your chest so… I am in love. What is it like? In a lot of ways it’s a little piece hell… recalling a high school lyric of one of my songs.
“A piece of Hell we could relate but we were standing at heavens gates.”
I know not everyone shares in the same fear that I do. These people by the way put me into complete awe. I don’t understand them. For me in my young and inexperienced life love has been the single most hurtful thing I have ever had to deal with. Of course not love itself, it is great, but when you lose someone the more you love them the more it hurts.
So here I am left with these feelings. Not sure how to process them caught in this web of trying to understand my own devotion as well that of the afore mentioned twitterpater. Worried that if I do share them that I will lose her. This is what I am now left to ponder how many relationships end not because they can’t handle each others problems but because they can’t handle their own alone. I wrote about this idea in a one act play that I wrote. This is an excerpt…
Cupid
(pauses for a moment, looks George over) Love is an outward manifestation. All you do is think about yourself. You don’t have clue? Do you know what Rachael was thinking about your whole date?

George
Ya, probably who is this guy? And why did I ever come here?

Cupid
No! Geez, Self-centered. She was thinking about her mom.

George
What? Why?

Cupid
It’s her third time back in rehab. She had just taken her that morning.

George
I had no idea.

Cupid
Yeah, I guess you do actually have something in common.
George
We all got problems.

Cupid
Yeah and you hoard them like a treasure. It’s like they are your most valuable possessions.
George
Why weight someone else down?

Cupid
Because, you die under the pressure of your own weight. It’s the great paradox. You share your burdens and they are not as heavy, you carry someone else’s burdens and yours are not as heavy. You can carry more then twice the weight with two people. You want to know the great secret of love, its being valued and understood.

Although cupid asserts this I don’t know if I believe it. But it is something to ponder… Do you hoard your problems like treasure? Would your burden be lighter if let someone else share the load even if you were bearing there problems as well? I know either way it is hard, but maybe that is why love is what makes us so Christ like. Maybe love can’t be real unless we in a small way become like him who bore all our burdens and burden one another’s. It’s a hard path, a terrifying one, I know… but also a path, it seems to me, that leads to salvation.

Seek Up

2009-07-18T19:33:00.000-07:00

Forget about the notion
that our emotions
can be swept away
kept at bay – Dave Matthews.

I haven’t been very good about a blogging lately. I am back because of the love a few individuals that cared enough to tell me that they wanted to hear from me again. So thanks to those people. It’s nice to know people take the time read my meandering thoughts. I still have them and they still lead me down exciting, monotonous, or terrifying paths.
So as is apparent by my quote I have been thinking about emotion a lot lately. I am an emotional creature. Maybe not apparent to those who don’t know me well. For whatever reason I am often ashamed of them. I don’t parade them around and often I doubt their legitimacy. I feel deeply though. Often my emotions seem to leave me helplessly burdened and stagnant. However, just as often they drive me forward past logic and into the daring unknown or hold me in reverie meditating over the simplest beauties. I really have a love hate relationship with my emotions. I would be lying if I said they don’t carry a lot of power.
I feel like a lot of the people feel as though they ought to have complete control over their emotions. I won’t lie I am often one of those people. Perhaps if Dave Matthews were to speak the lyric of his song in an actual conversation to me or one of these people we would scoff in his face. However, probably we would sort of side step the question and insert that if we were better we wouldn’t be having these emotions. I hear things like “If I were more charitable or if I wasn’t as prideful I wouldn’t be feeling this way.” I have heard this excuse for feelings from people who were dealing with events even as painful as death. People feel guilty for emotions that come naturally. If someone dies it’s natural to feel cheated. If someone says something that is unkind to you it is natural to feel hurt. It’s ok to validate yourself and understand that those feelings are natural and there isn’t something wrong with you for feeling that way. The funny thing is we don’t think about this in physical terms. If someone comes up and punches you in the arm and your arm is sore you don’t believe there is some way to avoid the pain. Your arm hurts and you accept that is because someone punched you. The same is true for unkind words, intentional or not. We have tender hearts. Yes we each have a different tolerance for pain but we each still hurt. Hurting doesn’t mean we are prideful or uncharitable. It means we are human. I think it is more about what you do with those emotions. I don’t know the answer on how to deal with our feelings but chastising yourself for feeling them isn’t the answer. I think it has more to do with acceptance and love… let me know if you understand how…

Revere or Reverie

2009-04-17T10:49:00.000-07:00

reverie |ˈrevərē|
noun
a state of being pleasantly lost in one's thoughts; a daydream : a knock on the door broke her reverie | I slipped into reverie.
• Music an instrumental piece suggesting a dreamy or musing state.
• archaic a fanciful or impractical idea or theory.
ORIGIN early 17th cent.: from obsolete French resverie, from Old French reverie ‘rejoicing, revelry,’ from rever ‘be delirious,’ of unknown ultimate origin.

revere |riˈvi(ə)r|
verb [ trans. ] (often be revered)
feel deep respect or admiration for (something) : Cézanne's still lifes were revered by his contemporaries
ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: from French révérer or Latin revereri, from re- (expressing intensive force) + vereri ‘to fear.’

I spoke with Jordan the other day, but she was revering the tulips on the patio and didn’t hear me.

Or rather:

I spoke with Jordan the other day, but the tulips on the patio swept her into a personal reverie, and she didn’t hear me.

I can quite define the verb or the noun, but I understand that idea and have seen examples.

For me it’s stopping mid sentence while trying to express penetrating sympathies because I am consumed by the elegance of lyric.

It was like walking the winding streets of Salt Lake with Jess, divulging secrets only to watch her forget to breath when she saw towering architecture,

Or indulging in inexperienced passion with Kristy only to have gaze off into the clouds and unending blue that swallowed her.

Whatever it is, it is complete and intensely personal.
and beautiful to observe.
Thank you for sharing.

Then Life (or Death Rather) Happens. I'll miss you Andy.

2009-04-07T20:17:00.001-07:00

So one moment I am worrying about the excessive amounts of homework I need to do, fitting in an audition at some club and then I walk in to work and everyone is crying. My boss and friend (Andy Gonzales) passed away on Sunday night. He was 24 a year younger than me. I am still in some disbelief. I keep thinking maybe if I just call his number that then he will answer but really I know that he won't or can't. At first I just found myself in shock not really feeling bad or good just in a cloud. On the drive home I found myself crying sporadically and then stopping unprompted. It has settled in a little now. I keep remembering how he wanted me to take him for a horse ride, or how he promised he would vacuum out the Van's at work with me soon. So I guess not... I can't believe it. Work is strange they have a grievance counselor there in case any of the kids want to talk. I can't imagine a Capital West Boys and Girls Club without Andy. He always claimed it was his. If he saw someone drawing on the tables it was never what are you doing to the club's tables, it was what are you doing to my tables. Andy was a good friend, perhaps the most nonjudgmental person I have ever met. Whoever you were and whatever you did that was cool to Andy. He made people feel appreciated for all their idiosyncrasies. He was like a personal cheerleader for all of us at work. He had an uncommon concern about his appearance and crushed on attractive older women. He made a large impact on so many kids and their parents. This is an inadequate description of such an effective person. Andy I will miss you. You are still the man.

It is good to love yourself.

2009-03-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

So, I am back to the goal of writing in my blog at least once a week. The past semester has been a discouraging and enlightening one. I am beginning to realize that I care more about what people think than I thought I did. Depressing maybe, but life is a journey and hopefully I am learning and growing.
In my defense I think it is a fine line to walk. Not caring what others think vs. caring what others think. You all know the guy at the party that overwhelms everyone with his social overbearance despite his painful breath and apparent awkwardness. If life were just business and the goal was establishing more clientele you would constantly change and adapt to try to please others. Life is sort of the business of pleasing or helping others. Not a bad purpose. In fact it is a good one. I want to be the most effective person I can be at helping other people. Changing yourself and adapting to circumstance to lift others is part of being an considerate and caring person. In order to do that you need to understand and care about what others think about you.
Sadly, I think that in this journey you can miss the mark. I have and do still miss it. So back to my original point, I am realizing I care too much about what others think. There was an illustration on my mission, other missionaries used, of three most important people. The example follows as such: The most important is God. He must come first. The second most important person is Others. Then after all these have been taken care of Third is yourself. You come last.
I agree with the first. We need to put God first in our lives. If our eye is single to his glory our whole bodies will be filled with his light.
I don’t agree with the last two. I don’t think it is doctrinal. (If it were true than it would logically follow that we ought to value others opinions of us more than our own.) Christ’s command was to love others as ourselves. Christ implies in this statement that we need to love ourselves as well. The reason is that we cannot love others without loving ourselves. Love begets love. By loving ourselves we are more enabled to love others. That doesn’t mean we become prideful. The root of Pride is enmity according to President. Benson. Enmity is the opposite of love. If we learn to love ourselves it follows that we will not become jealous of others. It follows that we will be enabled to continue to love others when they do not love us because love is still within us. We do not let their love define us.
God’s love for us is perfect. We can then love ourselves realizing that God loves us perfectly. I believe it is good to love yourself. I believe we can still love ourselves and realize that we will fall short and need the Savior. Understanding the price paid for us can give us more self worth. It is still a fine line to walk. We need to be careful we do not love ourselves more than others. Thinking we are better than others is not a true form of love and is really selfishness. However, I am afraid that we have created a society of people who are afraid to love themselves. This is also destructive to our spirituality. The closer we come to recognizing our divinity the closer we will be to understanding all the things that God has prepared for us and the more we will act like our true selves; Children of God.

I liked the number 21

2009-03-12T10:45:00.000-07:00

A Few Faves.
(Please enjoy then share why.)

Cause we only want a connection, someone who shares our lack of direction.
The Only One Lonely, Val Emmich

Love’s not something you can tax.
Snails, The Format

This howling in the distance
is a captivating sound
can’t tell if its ecstasy or pain
Saturday They’ll all be back again, David Wilcox

I wish the world was flat like the old days,
so we could travel just by folding a map
no more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways,
there'd be no distance that could hold us back.
New Year, Death Cab for Cutie

And I came upon a Doctor who appeared in quite poor health,
I said there is nothing I can do for you can’t do for yourself,
He said, oh yes you can, just hold my hand I think that that would help
so I sat with him a while and I asked him how he felt.
He said I think I’m cured, In fact, I’m sure,
thank you stranger for your therapeutic smile.
Bowl of Oranges, Bright Eyes.

More to come sometime…

Song of Myself, stanza II

2009-02-27T06:43:00.000-08:00

Felt like giving a little nod to the Man that inspired my blog's title.
I love this.

Have you reckoned a thousand acres much? Have you reckoned
the earth much?
Have you practiced so long to learn to read?
Have you felt so proud to get at the meaning of poems?

Stop this day and night with me and you shall possess the origin
of all poems,
You shall possess the good of the earth and sun.... there are
millions of suns left,
You shall no longer take things at second or third hand.... nor
look through the eyes of the dead. nor feed on the spectres
in books,
You shall not look through my eyes either, nor take things from me,
You shall listen to all sides and filter them from yourself.

6th Grade

2009-02-21T18:02:00.000-08:00

I don’t know that I will ever understand why such a disparaging difference exits between a 7th grader and a 6th Grader after all they are only a year apart. All I know is that as a 6th Grader they scared me bad. I still recall from time to time a few horror stories I experienced on the bus as the inferior 6th Grader. I remember one time riding all the way home with one of the more popular 7th Grader’s butt pressing my head into the pleather of the bus seat. No one really said anything to me about it and maybe that is because this hierarchy was so normal to us.
By far the most painful memory of this period of oppression was when one of them sat next to a friend and I on the bus. I was sitting on the side closest to the isle. The 7th grader sat down looked at me in the eye and clenched his fist. “Hit your friend.” “No” I replied. He brought back his arm and threw it hard into my shoulder. It hurt. “Hit your friend” he repeated. “No” I replied again. The boy brought back his fist again and slammed it back into the exact same spot. I was beginning feel like was he separating my muscle. I don’t remember how long the process continued. I only remember how it ended. I don’t know why I finally gave in but I guess it was fear because it wasn’t logical. I think we were almost to our bus stop and I wouldn’t have needed to endure anymore than two more hits. I wish I could say that didn’t, but I did. The most vivid of the pictures in my mind was look on my friend’s face just before I hit him. Like a bewildered rabbit pinned to the back of a cage. I think we both kind of accepted that we weren’t any better than that rabbit. We never talked about it. He never said I understand. I never said I am sorry.

Tonight

2009-01-20T09:36:00.000-08:00

Today it was Tonight,
Tonight, Smashing Pumpkins
Melancholy of 1995.
I was twelve, you were seven
that’s young.

I wonder,
what was your bed time then?
What did you dream about?
I don’t remember my dreams when I was seven
but I was much more prone
to nightmares. I had more nightmares when I was
twelve as well. I had wished then my dreams would
be more pleasant. More like the thoughts and feelings
I feel asleep to,
like meeting forbidden girls at the dollar movie,
walking out of the theater through separate doors so my ride,
my mom, wouldn’t know. She saw Blake, not Amy, or Jill
Jill.

Then life was an elation, and I feared my dreams,
the nightmares. Now here I am lying in bed
my forth time counting to a hundred
wondering why I don’t dream on nights like these.
Nights, when absence haunts me
It’s the reality that scares me now
not zombies, or alligators
I am ok with nightmares
Sometimes, we even have tea parties,
they can get carried away
bite off an arm, eat some brains
even rip out my little heart,
and there is a moment of terror
but it’s brief,
and in the morning their no longer missing.
well, at least my arm.

Look Into My Eyes

2009-01-12T07:38:00.001-08:00

So the other day as a sort of release I tried my hand at Slam or Performance Poetry. I am not in love with this poetically but it's raw and real and I like that. I have included a reading if you would like to know how I would read it, just press play on the I hope that you enjoy it. Much Love,
Ben

Look into my eyes,
No, look,
into my eyes.
Ok, we need to work on this,
we are going to
work on this
Look, into my eyes
Wait! You’re not looking.
Are you afraid?
That’s alright,
it’s alright to be afraid
Are you hurting?
Come love
bring that pain
bring your drama,
cry, scream,
whisper, whimper,
complain, whine
but don’t,
don’t,
Be ashamed.

You have loved,
you have turned your terror to trust,
your trust to a burning candle.
Your candle,
that you held so close to
to make her gray skin turn cinnamon
to warm her bones gold
so close
to watch the flicker
the flame dancing in her iris
so close
to her soft lips
that in a sigh
she could,
she had the power to

(sigh)
*black-out*

she draws away her finger-tip from your bottom lip
like a wet wick,
an orange ember on it’s tip fading,
as the sweet, swifting, dancing smoke
lifts into your nostrils
into your brain
and for a moment
the memory is so intense that
there is no pain.
just rose-colored smoke
heavy with the dew
from her breath
condensing, condensating
in your eyes
to an itch, to an infection
and your blind

No, not blind,
you just can’t see
you only feel
and theirs a pricking pain
in your finger tips
as reach for her but instead
caress what ever is there
and it’s rough,
with divots
cracks or holes
lifeless,
and in empty basement
it would be cold
and without that reciprocated warmth
you go
down,
down to that basement.
because you don’t want to be found
I know
I know
I know

But wait, your not looking at me
look at me
look at me in the eyes
come love
hold my hand
feel that pulse, that beat, the rhythm
Don’t be ashamed
You have loved
you are loving
therefore you are
you are,
you exist,
and you are beautiful.
Look at me in the eyes,
you are not alone.

The Good Morning Experiment

2008-12-30T10:40:00.001-08:00

Maybe It is because it is break but the experiment goes forward, and it is going well. Let me just give a shout-out to Patch, since he has been such an inspiration.
Sunday went well. Probably my strongest day even, maybe because I had some good contact with others and I only had to hold strong for part of the day. Nevertheless, I was proud of myself, on the inside I was hurting but I choose to manifest my intent and had a lot of fun. I feel like the people around me had fun as well. Thanks everyone.
Yesterday was a little tougher. Not my strongest day. Still in many instances a success at work, relating to some of the kids that are a bit harder for me to love. It is interesting to observe how different people act when they feel loved. For the record I was offered a stick of gum and popsicle as a result. Kids are so much more willing and apt at returning love I think.
This morning I went for my second sporadic run, and half way through I decided to give an enthused "Good Morning" to everyone I came across. Luckily the first person greeted I was equally enthused in her response. Energetic Grandma aged people can be so invigorating, and invigorate me she did. For the rest of my run I was sometimes even yelling across the street. Not everyone returned the greeting to me in the same way, but I feel like I always at least got a smile. So with that said and the power of all your imagination. Good Morning Lovelys!
One question I have been thinking about during my experiment is this. Is grieving needed? I have always thought of it as a sort of sickness I guess, like you have to feel bad for awhile but eventually you get well. This experiment makes me wonder do I ever need to be sour? There is a time and place, I know, but when is that time or where is that place? Do I justify that time and place to be more frequent than needed?

Putting Your Intention Forward

2008-12-28T17:22:00.001-08:00

I really like a quote by Victor Frankyl. He is a psychologist that survived the Holocaust and developed a therapy called Logotherapy while there. You can read about his experience in an amazing book called A Man's Search For Meaning. The quote is this "Happiness Cannot Be Pursued, It Must Ensue" I like this quote. My attributed meaning is this. That Happiness is a product of other things, for example; thinking of those who love you, helping those in need,taking in the beauty around you or just remembering joyful times.
It is because I agree with this statement that I have never liked the phrase fake it until you make it. I want to be honest to how I am feeling. I don't like putting on a show, and often it just makes me feel worse to do so. So Dr. Frankyl would have a solution to that I think. Find things that make you happy, even a happy thought and then happiness will come and you won't need to fake. However, sometimes my obstacles however small they really are, seem to be unsurmountable and I just can't get past them.
I have been listening a lot lately to the real Patch Adam's. He has a different theory that is called putting your intentions before you. Regardless of how we are feeling on the inside we can control how we are on the outside. Operating with your intention before you as I understand it means that you act how you want to be feeling. Kind of like fake it until you make it, but different. It is different because you are being honest to your intent. So you want to lift others up, so you act uplifting, you get involved in peoples lives and you show them love. So if that is your intent then you put that in front of your emotion of whatever you are feeling. I am going to try it.
I'll be honest I have tried it before and failed. But I am going to try again, and that's the key to this life anyway right. If I am happy about it I will let you know how it goes.

Will You Find Jesus

2008-12-23T20:50:00.000-08:00

Sorry the first one didn't work, this one should.
This my little Christmas gift, for all you lovelies. I wrote a new Christmas Song for each of you. It's a simple song, but a sincere attempt at the meaning of Christmas. I hope you have a genuinely special Christmas. Much Love Ben

These are the Lyrics.

It’s Christmas are you looking for Jesus?
You won’t find him underneath the tree
Yeah tinsel and fancy wrapping
are no manger in Galilee

When Jesus came as a baby
His mother sought shelter in the inn
They turned him away to be born in the hay
they had no room for him there

It’s Christmas will you find Jesus,
when a stranger asks to come in
perhaps in need of shelter
running from his sins

When Jesus came to teach us
he bid the sinners to be healed
and promised them the heaven where we would be with him
by his blood we’re all sealed

It’s Christmas will you find Jesus
in forgiving those who hurt you
Believing that his gift
is for everyone around you

Cause when Jesus comes again
we’ll all kneel hand in hand
And bow to the one who descended below us all
and share in the salvation of a lamb

It’s Christmas and we’ll find Jesus
In loving one another
It’s Christmas and we’ll find Jesus
When the least of these are our brothers

Fight or Flight

2008-12-22T10:23:00.001-08:00

Which word appeals more to you content or ambitious? Most often for me the word content has always had this sort of negative connotation, like a word that sums up phrases like “I gave in or accepted what I have as a good enough.” Little by little I am growing up and I think that also means that I am starting accept some things about my surroundings and myself. I can’t decide if I like that or not. Still, I fill like I am full of this unfulfilled passion, and I am not sure how to feed it.
I had the opportunity to be a fly on the wall to a really intense experience the other day at work. I work at Boys and Girls Club. Before we start, Horizante a school for Juvenile Delinquents meets there. I went upstairs to use the computers and some of the kids from the school were still using them. In few minutes they all left, accept one. Then the two teachers then came in, the kids had done something wrong and they were going to confront him about it. It was a really intense experience and maybe I should have left, but I didn’t. Anyway, let me get to the point. The two teachers were sort of doing a good cop and bad cop routine. The kid did not want to hear their lecture and tried to be calloused the entire time. However, you could tell he was right on the edge. At one point he pleaded “ Look, I am really trying hard not to lose it right now. So can I just go!” The “bad cop’s” reply was, “Well then lose it! If that’s what you need to do!” The urge to leave had finally overcome my curiosity and I left.
This experience brought me back to a recurring thought and an interesting thought experiment. What if he did lose it? Would it have helped? The experience reminded me of my family counsels or “Ben your hair is too long and you aren’t being a good boy” meetings. I reacted just like this kid. I tried to act calloused. I wanted it to be over. So as much as possible I just clenched my teeth and took it. I left those meeting sometimes so full of rage that I was shaking. I felt so misunderstood. I realize now my dad had good intent and I wasn’t really trying to understand him either, but I am still today often left with the same discontent.

I have learned that this discontent is remedied by understanding. It is like that part in Pride and Prejudice where Darcy and Elizabeth finally are able to explain face to face all their misunderstanding. It is like a breath of fresh air. Of course that is when there are happy endings. The understanding of disappointment is one that is a lot harder to swallow. Still, I feel like I am always this close to the edge of just letting all my thoughts be known. I just want to be sure I am being understood, but the fear of really being understood and then being rejected seems a lot more painful then being misunderstood and then rejected.
I guess I am really pretty good at speaking in the general. I don’t want get to specific and I don’t want to accidentally expose anyone. Lets just say most of this is romantic frustration. I sometimes hate, the habit of indirect talk we have developed in our romantic lives. I guess it is because we are so fragile. To love is a brave thing. I feel like I am this close to the edge of just letting it all hang out but my hope or curiosity hasn’t yet overcome my fear of rejection. When I see her it amplifies and I am always there with my toes clenching to the edge. To quote my fellow misunderstood person, “I am about to lose it.”

So what if do? What if I do and then I never go back? Maybe then I don’t ever lose anything because it’s always out there anyway. Sadly it has almost become a fairy tale in my mind, being that brave, and so strong to carry on despite the obvious rejection that must come with that type of living. Of course everything has it’s opposite, and maybe I would find some real acceptance as well. Maybe that would compensate. I don’t know I have never fully committed myself like that. I just have little snippets of pain that tell me it won’t be worth it. But hey sometimes the possibility still keeps me going, and maybe one day I will let it all out.

2008-12-14T21:22:00.000-08:00

I love this song. Cat Steven's is a huge musical influence of mine. I have great friends. It was a great trip. I hope you enjoy the video.

Thanksgiving Blew Me Away

2008-11-28T11:13:00.000-08:00

It all started with the conversation I had with my Dad. I don't think I have had a conversation with my Dad like that ever. I mean we just talked. We stayed up until 12:15 just discussing the economy, politics and lots of stuff. I really can't explain it here but it felt great. I went to bed with this huge sense of accomplishment. I know you won't read this but thanks Dad.
The next great thing was playing with my nieces they are so much fun. Again it is hard to explain here, but there are full of ever eager laughter and easily amused. One of my nieces read to me and I was blown away by how well she could read. I mean she is really good. Later we wrote a song together. I would come up with a line and then she would rhyme it with another line she came up with. She is really bright. This is the song we wrote with each other I hope you enjoy it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

As a Man Thinketh

2008-11-23T21:13:00.000-08:00

“He who has conquered doubt and fear has conquered failure. His every thought is allied with power, and all difficulties are bravely met and wisely overcome. His purposes are seasonably planted, and they bloom and bring forth fruit which does not fall prematurely to the ground.”

This quote is from a great text called “As a Man Thinketh” by James Allen. I really like it. It reminds me of the great ideals and dreams behind democracy. It actually reminds me of my junior high ideals. I had this idea then that a man could do anything that he set his mind to. Granted, the text is more complicated than that, but in junior high I really believed in that ideal. Since then I don’t know what happened, but I am guessing it was just life. I was rejected by girls, I didn’t receive the grades I wanted, and I found out that sometimes you don’t always get what you want. I met people in really hard circumstances and I realized that if I were in their shoes I wouldn’t be any better. It was good in that way made me a little more compassionate and less judgmental I think. I think back on those days though and wonder how that ideal shaped the person I was. I feel like I was more confident. It is a wonderful thing to consider how our dreams, visions, and ideals shape who we are. James Allen would say this:

“Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your Vision is the promise of what you shall one day be. Your Ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.”

I can see this is very true to some extent I believed in my ideal and then as a result I was better. I believed in the ideal and as a result I believed in myself. I can no longer say that I believe that we can realize all our dreams, but I can see that sometimes I cut myself off before I ever even get started. To some extent I let my fears and failures govern my life. Honestly, I think most people do. It is amazing how much our thoughts will shape us. It is an obvious defeat to never try because you fear the attempt. It is even more than that though. Lets say you do attempt but on the inside you have a big fear of failing, and then you fail. I think James Allen would argue that was because you had thoughts of failing that you failed. Yes you will fail even when you had thoughts of success. That is admitted even in James Allen’s essay but he would argue eventually you’ll get there.
One of the Saviors commandments that always carries a little sting with it is that we ought to “let our light shine before the world”. I think this is an interesting commandment in our current world. Perhaps we have never been so connected and yet perhaps we have never been so disconnected. Some man on trax scolded me the other day for texting too much. I think maybe his criticism was misguided, I only responded to two texts and he didn’t criticize me until I started talking to the other people on the train. I agreed with him completely though, we don’t have enough interaction with those who are immediately around us. I don’t think that cell phones, or the internet are the source of the problem for me though, rather just a convenient thing to hid behind. I’ll admit it. I am scared. I don’t know logically why either, maybe I don’t want to look dumb, maybe I am afraid it will hurt if people ignore me, but as a result I feel like I am not keeping the commandment like I should. I am not letting my light shine.
I think a lot of this problem goes back to the earlier thought, I have let my failures scare me. I haven’t literally seen the dream and so I don’t believe it exist. If I can’t clearly see the ideal of letting my light shine everyone around me then I can’t see myself in it either. The thing is it does exist as a dream, and I’ll never see that dream unless I continue to believe that it can exist. This in a nutshell is why I want to hold on to my dreams. Because people with dreams are the people who realize them, and the people afraid to dream and to pursue their dreams never see them happen. So maybe it’s cliché, but to all you dreamers, I am so amazed by you, and some day I hope to join you, both feet first, completely immersed, and pushing forward with everything that I am. A light.

Dreams vs. Reality (updated)

2008-11-07T06:23:00.001-08:00

Two nights ago I had three consecutive bad dreams. My skin was covered in dye. Something was stolen from me. Lastly I got hit by a car on my bicycle. It completely angled my front tire. Ninety degrees. I threw my bike in the air in a childlike fit. The man I collided with was aggravated. He kept saying I had bent his handle bars. I couldn't make sense of it. I had been riding on the wrong side of the road. I was at fault. I waited for the police to arrive. Then... I woke up. After a few moments of light nausea and sorrow. I realized I had been dreaming and I was relieved, I was thankful.

Last night a had a dream that a beautiful girl came to my home. I knew her. I know her. She sat next to me. We spoke about life. We confessed our dreams and our fears. We connected. She held my hand and played the guitar with her toes, and sang softly to me. The catch line; "I would spend my whole life trying to get you back." Then she kissed me tenderly and then snuggled up to my chest, like sunshine, like a soft fire, like joy. She wept. I wept. Then... I woke up. I woke up. After a moment of warmth and harmony. I realized I had been dreaming and i was sorry, I am thankful.

Note:
So that isn’t the end of the story. I woke up that morning after having this dream at 5 am Nov. 7, 2008. My mind was flying. I took a shower and the melody from the song the girl sang me was still in my mind as well as the catch phrase from the song. I did usually morning routine and then sat down to write. It just flowed out. I wrote song based on the line that this girl sang. I hope you will enjoy it. Here are the lyrics. Oh and like I mentioned I knew this girl in my dream, so I will dedicate to her. The literal and dream version.

November Dream

And I would spend my whole searching trying to get you back
Your tears upon my pillow make my imagination wet
And life is but riddle but our dreams are crystal
that scatter the sunlight in the bedroom window

And the night falls backwards upon us all
through our mindless marching our dreams call
like the sailor upon the ocean watching the sunset rise
deep and bright reflections giving life to the tide

And our pillow’s soften the pain
the lost buried down in down remain
And like a child watching a balloon fall to the sky
it’s new found freedom stops his cry

Really?

2008-10-17T08:59:00.001-07:00

Maybe the facts are wrong. But is Joe the Plumber really this fictionalized? Does he really not realize?

I am getting so sick of hearing the wealth distribution argument. It is tax breaks. Republican theory doesn't support the middle class class citizen directly. Their theory is that if you give large corporations and big business tax breaks that they can create more jobs. The trickle down theory. This is an indirect way of helping the working middle class. Help big business so that they can then help the working middle class. Obama's plan is to give the working middle class themselves tax breaks and give them the opportunity to create there own jobs. Those who are making over 250,000 dollars will receive more taxes. It is a redistribution of taxes. Obama is working from the bottom up, McCain is working from the top down. That is the basic outline. You can believe that trickle down theory is a better form of economy, that is fine with me, I disagree, but theoretically I can see how it would work. Just please don't think that McCain is for tax cuts and Obama is for tax increase, it isn't that simple. McCain's plan will cut taxes for everyone, but only in a very minor degree for the middle and poor class. However, for those making a 600,000 would see a great deal of tax cuts. Obama's tax plan will cut taxes in a much larger degree for middle and poor classes, but raise taxes for those making over 250,000 dollars. Please look at this link. I believe this to be an unbiased report. Where the tax cuts are. Where do you feel taxes should be cut? Why? Which candidate is closest to that idea?

On a side note, I took a few political quizzes and discovered I am not as liberal as I thought. Still a Moderate really. Haha, I am a swing voter.

The Conference Quiz

2008-10-05T21:39:00.000-07:00

The Benjamin Bailey Quiz of the
178th Semiannual General Conference, October 2008

I remember a few years back my brother Sam used to make a quiz after every conference. This year I took copious notes and in his honor have created my very first General Conference quiz. I will put answer key at the bottom so you can grade your self. Good luck and don’t cheat, I mean seriously, it is a Conference Quiz. Oh, and it is open note.

Section 1.
Match the One Liners to their Author
1.You don’t know everything but you know enough

2.In the strength of the Lord I can do hard things.

3.Hope you know I am having a hard time.

4.Come what May and Love it

5.Either we… or we don’t and…

6.Find joy in the journey.

7.That is Christian Courage

Quentin L. Cook

Thomas S. Monson

Robert D. Hales

Elaine S. Dalton

Lawerance E. Corbridge

Joseph B. Wirthlin

Neil A. Andersen

Section 2. List
8. William D. Oswald said that if we learn a few fundamental principles of teaching, we would be able to teach. What are two of the three suggestions he gave?

1.

2

9. Joseph B. Wirthlin gave four suggestions of ways to react to our trials and troubles. What are two of the four suggestions?

1.

2.

10. David A. Bednar gave three principles of how we can have more sincere prayer. What are two of the three principles?

1.
2.

11. L. Tom Perry spoke about Thoreau’s four necessities of life and applied them in the spiritual sense. What are two of the four necessities?

1.

2.

Section 3. Name the Speaker.

12.This General Authority spoke about the blessing of joy in unity.

13. This General Authority spoke about his mother putting logs in the fireplace around which his family would gather.

14. This General Authority spoke about the infinite power of hope.

15. This General Authority stated that missionary work was four fold.

16. This General Authority spoke about raising an Ensign to the nations in Peru.

17. This General Authority was the only one to specifically mention the current economic crisis.

Section 4. Fill in the Blank

18. Jeffery Holland mentioned that we on earth could be ministering __________ to others.

19. Russell M Nelson compared marriage to _____________.

20. M. Russell Ballard discussed the ______________ of truth by Joseph Smith.

21. Gerald Causse quoted Joseph Smith who said that “ It is impossible for a man to be

saved in ________________.

22. Dallin H, Oaks reaffirmed that the uniform of the priesthood is a _______________ Shirt. E.C. if you can name who he quoted.

23. Carlos Godoy taught that having a testimony did not mean you need to have a _________ experience, but rather a testimony often comes little by little.

24. Keith B. McMullin talked extensively about the church _______________ program.

Extra Credit

Name the 5 spots of the 5 new Temples
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

What 3 Colors were on the ties of the Men in the Mormon Tabernacle choir in the last session?

1.
2.
3.

What musical is this quote from, used in President Monson’s talk?

“ Pile up enough tomorrow’s and you will find you’ve combined a lot of empty yesterdays”
>
>
>
>
< >
>
>
>
>
>
>
< < >
>
< >
>
< >
Answer Key

Section 1

Neil A Andersen
You don't know everything, but you know enough.

Joseph B. Wirthlin
Come what May and Love it

Lawerance E. Corbridge
Either we… or we don't and…

Elaine S Dalton
In the strength of the Lord I can do hard things.

Robert D. Hales
That is Christian Courage

Thomas S Monson
Find joy in the journey.

Quentin L. Cook
Hope you know I am having a hard time.

Section 2

Section 2. List
William D. Oswald said that if we learn a few fundamental principles of teaching, we would be able to teach. What are two of the three suggestions he gave?

Show love to those you teach.
Teach from the scriptures.
Encourage the pondering of gospel truths.

Joseph B. Wirthlin gave four suggestions of ways to react to our trials and troubles. What are two of the four suggestions?

Learn to Laugh
Seek for the eternal.
The lord will compensate.
Put our trust in our Heavenly Father.

David A. Bednar gave three principles of how we can have more sincere prayer. What are two of the three principles?

Extend your prayer from morning to night, and pray continually throughout the day.
Express heart felt gratitude.
Pray sincerely for others.

L. Tom Perry spoke about Thoreau's four necessities of life and applied them in the spiritual sense. What are two of the four necessities?

Food
Clothing
Shelter
Fuel

Section 3. Name the Speaker.

This General Authority spoke about the blessing of joy in unity.
Henry B Eyring

This General Authority spoke about his mother putting logs in the fireplace around which his family would gather.
Eduardo Gavarret

This General Authority spoke about the infinite power of hope.
Dieter Uchtdorf

This General Authority stated that missionary work was four fold.
Silvia H. Allred.

This General Authority spoke about raising an Ensign to the nations in Peru.
Elaine S. Dalton

This General Authority was the only one to specifically mention the current economic crisis.
Quentin L. Cook

Section 4. Fill in the Blank

Jeffery Holland mentioned that we on earth can be the ministering Angels to others.

Russell M Nelson compared marriage to Shopping.

M. Russell Ballard discussed the Standard of truth by Joseph Smith.

Gerald Causse quoted Joseph Smith who said that “ It is impossible for a man to be saved

in ignorance.

Dallin H, Oaks reaffirmed that the uniform of the priesthood is a white Shirt. E.C. if you can name who he quoted.

Carlos Godoy taught that having a testimony did not mean you need to have a ¬dramatic experience, but rather a testimony often comes little by little.

Keith B. McMullin talked extensively about the church welfare program.

Extra Credit

Name the 5 spots of the 5 new Temples
1. Calgary Alberta, Canada
2. Cordaba Argentina
3.The Greater Kansas City Area
4.Philidephia , Pennsylvania
5. Rome, Italy

What 3 Colors were on the ties of the Men in the Mormon Tabernacle choir in the last session?

1.Gray
2. Red
3.Blue

What musical is this quote from, used in President Monson's talk?

“ Pile up enough tomorrow's and you will find you've combined a lot of empty yesterdays” -The music man

Reflection on Shakespeare

2008-09-29T22:20:00.000-07:00

They say all lovers swear more performance than they are able, and yet reserve an ability that they never perform, vowing more than the perfection of ten and discharging less than the tenth part of one. They that have the voice of lions and the act of hares, are they not monsters? -Cressida from Shakespeare’s Troilus and Cressida

Sorry for any immoral implicit message one may get from this statement. I love Shakespeare. And I have been pondering this same question as of late? In a more general sense than maybe the context of scene implies. Is it true that we are most afraid is our potential. I wonder if that is because we feel that if we give it our all and then fail it is more of a failure. We have this safety zone where we can say to our self “well, If I would have actually tried my best.” Of course there is the Irony, that if we never really try our best than we never really know. What would you try if knew you wouldn’t fail? Do you think we are as Cressida states short changing those who we love? Are we reserving some ability? This is sad but profound thought isn’t it. How do we hold back in love? What is the remedy?

My story and failing in a nutshell, I loved, I lost, I hurt, and now I fear. I heard this story of a lady who was robbed by a Hispanic man. The man didn’t speak any English, but he forced her to give him her purse. This event traumatized her. Now, she believes all Hispanic men are talking about her, maybe even robbing her again. Is this a logical conclusion? No. Is this an understandable even relatable conclusion? I believe so. I have never understood very well the language of flirtation. Speaking indirectly expecting to be understood directly. My misunderstanding or miscommunication has hurt me. Am I a little paranoid? Yeah I think I am.

Just taking baby steps can be excruciatingly difficult. Running full speed, arms out stretched that is terrifying. It can be dangerous too. Wise men say… still I want that kind of love.

A few thank yous and a challenge

2008-09-28T22:11:00.000-07:00

Jill thanks for the Hug today, Nicole thanks for the note, Jan thanks for inspiring me with your goal setting, Tyson and Bob thanks for the talk, and Jessica thanks for the conversation.

I have all these romanticized ideas of the way to live life, problem is I never find myself living that way. Here is one.
Life is a Dance

Ok so this is something I learned at EFY Dances. If you want to have a fun then dance. I can't tell you how many of my co-counselors jaws drop to the floor, when they first see me at the dance. I love to just move and groove to the music. I guess maybe it is because I keep such a moderate composure most of the time. Ok so now the theory. I hate admit this publicly but there are a lot of people who are much better dancers than me. I doesn't matter. Most often the response to me jumping a group of kids and dancing is this sort of "who are you?' Type look. This is especially true if I don't have my own kids. Ok so at this point you have to choices. You can now either hang your head in shame or continue to dance your heart out. If you don't dance you feel dejected and sad. If you continue to dance, you keep having fun and eventually they warm up to you.
So here is what I am going to do with this.... This week I am going to try my darndest to live my life like this. So get ready, here I come!
BTW no apoligies for akward dancing.

Recent Realizations

2008-09-21T20:57:00.000-07:00

So.. I am trying to blog once a week. I really need to get to bed though so I can wake up early and do some needed homework. So tonight I am just going to write a few thoughts that I have been thinking about lately. I will end with a few one liners. Nothing apparently profound in the general sense but profound for me nonetheless.
Thought one from scripture study. After Samuel the Lamanite made prophecies about the signs of the coming of Christ many of them came true, however the people were so focused on what they didn’t have that they completely missed them. Now for the personal application, am I so focused on what I am lacking I miss the hand of God in my own life sometimes. To say the least, I know I often don’t value what I have for what it is worth because I am too busy focusing on what I do not have.
Thought number two. I was totally stoked to go skydiving yesterday and then because of the weather I wasn’t able to go. However, by the end of the day it was really a good day. The reason. I did one of things I love to do most of all and actually it isn’t some sort activity or event like skydiving or mountain biking. Those things are great, but the thing I love doing is something much more simple. It is laughter. In fact laughter is one of things that make me feel most like my best self.
Last but not least. I am immensely blessed with good friends. Not just good but to me, but really upstanding people. I get the privilege of watching them on a very personal level and today I realized that I have been blessed with friends who are easily my heroes.
Well goodnight. I hope you are learning more than me from this thing we call life.
Cheers
Ben

2008-09-14T21:29:00.001-07:00

So here it is 9:33 on Sunday the 14th of September, and I am thinking I need to go off on a rant before I go crazy. However I also need to hit the sac. I neglected my homework this weekend and baby-sat my two energetic nieces instead. Not a decision I regret but a decision I will pay for tomorrow, when I am forced to wake up early and do all my assignments. It was a nice weekend, even if I did have a cold and therefore not even half of the energy of my nieces. I did get to play some thrilling games of checkers (which is funny, since I have never liked that game), I got to eat half a cantaloupe from my sisters garden, and I was able listen to my niece, who is even more random than I, and hilarious.
Which leads me to a point that I have been thinking about recently. The point is found in Alma twenty-nine. In this chapter Alma is wishing that he could be an Angel so that he could declare the message of God with more force, however by verse three Alma comes to this conclusion. “But behold, I am a man, and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me.” I am so blessed by family, friends, humor, fresh cantaloupe from the garden, and so many other things. But still I wouldn’t say I was “content”. I am still bogged down but what I don’t have.
Earlier this year I went to see Patch Adams speak. It was so inspiring to me. He had been on many foreign aide trips and I remember him saying that it was impossible to not be satisfied with your circumstance after you have held a dying baby in your arms. So that is not exactly what he said but that was the jist. Maybe that is what I need I mean I understand that I have it good, but maybe I don’t really “understand.”
I also think of some poem I have heard read over the pulpit a couple of times. It follows someone through there life that keeps looking forward to there future for there happiness. For example they are 14 and they think when they are 16 and can date then they will be happy, and then they are 16 and they think when I graduate high school then I will be happy, then so on and so forth, the point is they never arrive at happiness because those things don’t bring happiness.
So what is happiness or what brings it? I have heard different things. Doing what you are supposed to be doing when you are supposed to be doing it. Looking at the cup as half full. Just deciding that you will be happy. Honestly that last one has never worked for me. I heard the coolest quote the other day from an English author, it went something like “ I am unhappy, but I am not unhappy about that.” I like this quote because honestly I think I analyze my emotions too much and then get frustrated when it feels like I can’t control them. Part of my problem I think is just acceptance.
Anyway, I don’t have all the answers. I don’t want to pretend to have them. But let me just say that I think I do take a lot for granted. Maybe everyone does. I don’t know why there is so much focus on our problems or on what se don’t have, maybe it is so we can fix them or get them but if we stop and consider what we do have for a moment. I just think the blessings will be overwhelming. For me I think it will need to be an almost completely new way of thinking, but maybe a way of thinking I need to come to before it is too late. So I think I will end this rant with a clip from the movie “American Beauty.” I don’t know if I could recommend this movie anymore it is maybe too vulgar, but it is amazing, and I think the last scene will get my point across. (warning it is a little bloody)

Valentines day rant

2008-09-08T21:34:00.000-07:00

So a little early.. or actually long overdue. But it is nice to read an old writing, like talking with a long lost friend in a sense ok so I am stopping before I get way to cliche.

Valentines day is here and love is in the air… or not! Yes, for the majority of us Valentines Day is better known as the “I am alone and that sucks day”. I will admit for me Valentines day hasn’t been the happiest of days either, but maybe there is still something to the idea of a holiday devoted to love. I know this is going to sound cliché but for me the purpose of life can be summed up into one focused purpose. Let me speak the word, Love. How and to whom people manifest this varies. There is something profound though to the idea of dedicating your life to someone other than yourself. So if I could be so bold I would like to take just a moment to write about this thing called love.

Let me first just outright state that when I recognize beauty in someone, be they male or female, I just get giddy. I feel that people are beautiful. If they happen to be of the opposite gender it does more than that, it triggers something inside me like fireworks on a warm summers evening. I want them to know they are beautiful. I especially want them to know that they are because often they just don’t see it in themselves. So often though it turns out to be the case that though I see this beauty in them they don’t see it in me. Here in lies the predicament of unrequited love. Now we are left to scream as the voice in the song of Three Libras “You don’t see me. You don’t see me at all.” It is a hard thing in life when you feel as though there is no one who can really see the art in you.

At least these people give you some finality as brutal as it may be. The question is what do you do with people whom you are unsure about. Those who just don’t send out clear signals. I am tired of indirect talk that hopes to be understood directly. I am tired of long overdue and ambiguous text or phone calls. I don’t know what is worse sprinting full speed into a brick wall or slowly poisoning yourself unknowingly. Yes, the undefined and unknown is it’s own kind of hell.

I just want give a shout out to all those lovers out there that are screaming at the sky in futility, “What the (insert exclamation) is wrong with me?!” Well the answer is a lot of things, and that is part of what makes you beautiful. Perhaps this whole thing would be better if we all just understood and openly admitted we were are all just a little messed up. Also if there is any one out there who has not returned my phone calls or played the mean little dating game or smashed my little heart, I want to say that was messed up and yes you hurt me, but that I forgive you. I am a little messed up and I have hurt people too. Hand and hand we can travel through this dark room we create for ourselves, until finally we perhaps can find someone who we are unafraid of loving and being loved by. Perhaps then a light bulb will finally turn on in this dark room. So here is to all of you this V-day that think you have actually found that light and to all of you who are still searching.

Time

2008-09-04T22:25:00.000-07:00

So I read this article about getting better sleep and one of the suggestions it gave was that after you set your alarm clock that you either hide it or cover the time. It suggested that your sleep is more fulfilling when you don’t know how long it is taking you to fall asleep. The results have been wonderful. I set my alarm and then put all trust in my alarm clock. If I wake up in the middle of the night then I don’t know what time it is, and I don’t care because my alarm hasn’t gone off and that means I can still sleep. I feel as though it has made me enjoy my sleeping time even more, because I know longer have the stress of deciding if I should get up before my alarm.
This little experiment of mine has made me consider all the times I check my clock in my life. For example I was sitting in a pretty inspiring Shakespeare class today when the thought of checking the time came to me. So I did and do you know what happened to me in the next five minutes I stopped enjoying my time there as much. My mind went other places, like how in 30 minutes I would riding my bike to work, and in four hours I would be visiting my lovely sister. Somehow my watch instead of helping me focus on the present time shot me forward to future times. I stopped and thought of my sleeping experiment, and then decided that it was dumb for me to look at my clock. I didn’t need to be accountable. The teacher was watching the clock and even he wasn’t I feel confident stating there were probably at least a dozen other kids very conscious of the time. I gladly gave this responsibility to them and resumed to consider and ponder Hamlet. I came back and really enjoyed myself.
It reminds me of another experience. My friend James and I used to have the best sleepovers. To this day we can still recall them by name, such as the ish sleepover or the Dhali Llama sleepover all of these have their own story but I would like to focus on the time is irrelevant sleep over. Ok, so maybe the title is self explanatory and actually there isn’t really much to explain. We were two 14 year old boys that decided for a night that time didn’t matter, and it was a really rad night. We laughed, joked, listened to kissin 97.1, danced around like fools, and went out some time that was probably way past curfew, (maybe we were convinced we could convince the law enforcement we no longer abided by their system of time). I mean no we didn’t leave that sleep over with any bragging rights of how late we stayed up but for a night we were completely oblivious to the morning after. So as a result we were right there for all of the sleepover. It is still one of my sweetest memories.
So once again I am relearning a lesson I taught myself a long time ago. Which is sometimes we need to forget about what time it is or what time it is going to be and just lose ourselves. Maybe in a classroom, maybe in a conversation, or maybe in a walk home, I am finding that I am too often unaware of where I am. It seems as though I am too often accounting to the numbers of time and not the actual space given to just be.